I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
