Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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