Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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