You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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