I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
