is your mom at the bar?
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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