my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
