She said her name was "party"
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize