I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Randomize
