When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
