it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
