I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
There r osticjed everywhere
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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