Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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