I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
