I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize