Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
