Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
