cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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