i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize