I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
