he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
