I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
How external is "for external use only"?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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