ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
