I think I died a long time ago.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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