i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Drake has all the answers
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
