if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
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