I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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