Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
