Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We just shotgunned beers for America
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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