Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
