youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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