god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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