Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
