so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
