why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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