seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
