You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
