We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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