i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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