She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
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