I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
The best revenge is premature balding
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Randomize
