I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
