Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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