I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
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