so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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