Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
