Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
