You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
