I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
