Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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