Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
