I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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