i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
