so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
