i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
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