so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
FUCK WHALES
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
