My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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