Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
