wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
