made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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