Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
