I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
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