Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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