It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize